Like a Fuckin' Orangutan Bitch

I currently believe it is impossible for me to fall out of love with you. One of these days, I picture you calling me, or perhaps springing the news upon me when we next meet that you have found someone new. I imagine you’ll be looking for some form of consent or blessing from me, and of course, I will give it. But I won’t stop loving you. My heart is a fucking mess, to put it lightly, and I don’t believe there is a way to mend it. I’m screwed because I want to be with you and I’m screwed because I can’t. You see, in that moment when you come to me, explaining that you’re sorry but that you’ve found someone far better than I ever was, I will smile and exclaim. “I’m so happy for you” and “you weren’t obligated to tell me any of this, but thanks for the consideration” and “I just want you to be happy” are probable phrases to issue from my lips in that moment, but I just want to put it on record that it will all be absolute bullshit. My fucked up heart will love you forever, and from the looks of it, that will prevent me from any potential joy I could have found with someone else. I don’t begrudge you for that, it’s not like you made me fall in love with you. And that’s why I can never tell you any of this. I’ll keep a straight face every time I’m with you, make the right jokes, laugh at all your shitty ones, pretend the situation is just a walk in the park to me, but deep down inside, the whole time, I’ll be kicking and screaming, crying and dissolving, wishing, hoping you will never come to me with that other girl.

I won’t hate her. I’ll assume she’s the person that I could never be and that she’ll be the right one for you, and therefore, I won’t hold any grudge against her because she makes the love of my life happy. But at the same time, I will find it immensely difficult to be happy for you. In fact, many times, I probably will be downright miserable and depressed like I am right now. But hey, I’m human. But honestly, sincerely, I’ll do my best to convince you that I’m perfectly okay, completely over you, and optimistic about my own prospects. Who knows, maybe I’ll even invent a boyfriend for myself. Basically, I’ll do whatever it takes to erase your guilt about breaking up with me and to put your mind at rest about moving on from me and leaving me behind to collect dust in your distant memories. I’ll make it my mission to convince you that I will be perfectly happy fading away forever from your mind and that you will never think of me again. Like the docile, submissive coward I am, I’ll put on the best show of strength, independence, and courage you can imagine, and I’ll make you believe every single one of my lies, starting now. Bitch.