LIFE.

Catch the tears, two, three.

I am human.

Feel my body, feel my brain,

sail away, sail away.

Where is the line?

Divide me into a million pieces

and see which ones still love you.

You cannot catch one, can you?

The ants are so different.

Your mind's too full to understand,

fly away, fly away.

Between Love and Hate?

They're just crumbs; still dust;

only hope an anthill.

Dreams are drowning while you sleep.

Devour me in the end.

I'm not the girl with Bambi eyes,

run away, run away.

Between Chance and Fate?

Caught in rivers: banks,

caught in wind, pupils, souls.

Waves consume unceasingly.

I am nothing.

Hold me close or not at all,

fade away, fade away.

Between Life and Death?

Infinite specks of the universe;

ALL of me, none of you.

Opportunity

Hello again.

So, you may have noticed that I've been once again avoiding writing, but I can assure you, things are not what they appear. Well, they sort of are. But let me explain:

The week before the week before my spring break, disaster struck. At least it seemed like a disaster at the time. What happened? My laptop died. Crashed and burned.

The nerd version of what happened: The cable connected to my hard drive which allows data to be transmitted on my computer screen become compromised. My hard drive was still intact and fully functional, but no longer had the means necessary to transmit data so that I could see it.

My reaction when it happened: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? WHY DOES THIS LITTLE FLASHING FOLDER WITH A QUESTION MARK KEEP FLASHING ON MY SCREEN?! NOOOO!! I'VE LOST EVERYTHING ON MY COMPUTER! I HAVE NO WAY TO DO MY HOMEWORK OR ACCESS MY EBOOKS. I WILL FAIL EXAMS. I WILL HAVE TO DROP OUT OF COLLEGE. I WILL END UP WORKING IN HOMEGOODS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. *ensue hysteria*

Although that was a bit of an exaggeration, I did overreact when I realized I would no longer have my personal MacBook to help me accomplish work and procrastinate with ease. I was able to struggle through on my old Grandaddy MacBook and by using the school's library computers, but still, the whole event made me realize how much I depend on this 12.78 inch by 8.94 inch piece of metal for everyday sanity. It's no secret that we are a technology dependent society, but I've always considered myself to be an exception to this rule. Sure, I can still waste time on Facebook or YouTube, but I thought of myself as someone could survive contentedly without a TV or social media for an extended length of time. However, I was dead wrong. Although the nerd in me feared I would fail my exams without a computer, the procrastinator inside me feared I would have to live without Netflix for weeks on end and made me realize that I am not the societal rebel I would like to think I am.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is to say that the last two Saturdays have been hectic without my computer and that is why I haven't written any posts. Although, again, I am wrong in saying this, since I just as easily could have written this on Grandaddy MacBook or with actual pen and paper (imagine that!). So, apologies. I will write another post tomorrow to almost make up for my time away.

In other news, I've been applying for summer jobs while I'm home on spring break from college. For some reason, I was extremely nervous just to walk into stores and ask for job applications, and it took a lot of courage just for me to do so, but I can now say I've applied to three stores and hopefully will have applied to two more by the end of the day. The whole process was a bit scary to say the least, including the interview I had yesterday, but I was proud of myself for taking that initiation and for putting myself out there. I really do need the money, considering how many concert tickets I've managed to buy in the last few weeks, and I'm the type of person who needs to stay busy and have a job to do. What I'm trying to say is, this whole experience was very "un-me." In other words, it's not something I find natural or easy and yes, I had to force myself to do it. But, now that I have hope of landing more interviews and hopefully a job, I feel content. Even though an opportunity may be outside of your comfort zone, it doesn't mean you shouldn't take it. Hopefully, it will lead to results and no regrets. At least I hope it will for me. So here's to opportunity and taking life by the balls.

Cheers.

The Best of Times

So I've decided that Saturday's will now be designated blogging days. If I don't set rules for myself and specific times to get things done, then they never get done, so here's to a hopefully successful self-inflicted rule so that I will blog consistently. That made no sense.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the Student Union Underground at UNC when I overheard a guy playing ping pong start talking about a girl he really liked to his other guy friends. He started off all nonchalant-like, saying, "Hey what'd you think of that blonde girl at that party last night?" My friend who was with me at the time (named Kat) translated his words to mean, "I really liked that blonde girl and no matter what you say, I'll still like her, I just want to have an excuse to talk about her." I rather liked this translation, since it proved to be true when he continued to talk about how he met her and what he liked about her. The more he talked about her and how much he liked her, the happier I became. I don't know if that makes me creepy, but I just thought-- somewhere there is that girl he's talking about and she's probably completely clueless that this guy she met is so into her and thinks she's like, the greatest thing ever, but you know what? That's what makes this situation so great. I love hearing someone talk about how wonderful a person someone else is. People ARE wonderful, and when someone acknowledges that, it makes the world seem like a better place. I wish everyone bragged about their friends to other people and told everyone how wonderful everyone in their life is. I still believe love is the greatest emotion/feeling/accomplishment humans are capable of obtaining or showing to someone else, and I honestly believe that all you need in life is love. Love is what makes things beautiful. It's what makes life worth living. So love people, tell them you love them, and tell other people too. Love truly does make a difference in the world.

In other news, I spent all day today sitting outside in the beautiful 60+ degree weather we had in Chapel Hill. I wrote in my journal for the first time in a long time, listened to Vampire Weekend, Sea Wolf, Fleet Foxes, and a host of other great artists, read some more of my book and watched some shirtless dudes play volleyball. But mostly, I just felt happy. I love where I'm at right now in my life. I have the freedom to do what I want and be who I want without fear of judgement and I love being at Chapel Hill. The college life really is wonderful, especially if you go to a school as great as UNC. On Thursday night, UNC beat D00k in a basketball game and I, along with thousands of my fellow Tarheels, stormed Franklin street screaming "FUCK D00K!!".  It truly was one of the best days of my life. I had spent much of the day with friends and relaxed on the quad before my chem lab playing the baritone ukulele (in other news, I'm learning to play the baritone ukulele), and just talking about life in general. Winning the game and celebrating like crazy with everyone was just the icing on the cake of my perfect day. After spending the better part of an hour getting drenched in smoke, booze, and sweat, Kat and I went to Frat Court where we got to witness the men of the hour (the stars of the basketball team) be exalted by a hoard of inebriated, excited-as-fuck college students on the steps of one of the frats. It truly was a grand time.

What made those moments so magnificent was the shared pride and joy everyone felt. You could literally hug anyone and shout "FUCK D00K!" and you were instant friends. Later at another frat, Kat and I danced to a live band and had a fucking great time dancing with people we didn't even know because it didn't matter if you knew each other or not-- we were all Tarheels and united in our pride. Coming from a hellhole of a private school, I'd never felt any pride for my school, much less felt the same sense of community with such a large group of people. It was a truly incredible experience and one which I'll never forget. Experiencing something like that also made me appreciate the fact that I can partake in these opportunities because of where I'm at right now. Even though bad things still happen everyday and I fuck up more than I do the right thing, I can always learn from my mistakes and keep trying to be a better person. Although I can't prevent bad stuff from happening or change the way I feel about something, I can change how I respond to the shit that happens in life. I realized the same thing when learning to fall out of love with someone I thought was my soulmate. After being miserable for so long, I finally realized that I didn't have to be miserable. Sure, I couldn't make him love me, and sure, I couldn't help that I was still in love with him, but I didn't have to miserable about it all the time. I could still find happiness in other areas of my life and work on being a more positive person, and eventually that's what I did. It was fucking hard, but I did it and I can honestly say I'm a much happier person today because of that decision. That decision didn't solve all my problems, and it didn't get me a better relationship, but it made me fucking excited about where my life is right now and made me realize that I don't need a romantic relationship to be happy.

So, a word of encouragement. No matter where you are in life: embrace it. Even the shittiest times are part of who you are and who you will become, so make the most of them. No one can tell you who you are-- it's up to you to figure that out. Your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters, and that can be both good and bad. It means you can either be satisfied with the person you are, or you can change. Sometimes, change is good. Sometimes you need to change because the person you are right now is a bit shit. But other times, you need to accept yourself for who you are and stop trying to be perfect. You are you. You will never be anyone else, no matter how hard you try, so be satisfied with yourself. You're an incredible human being and if someone can't see that, then it's their loss, not yours. Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, and choose to be happy. If you're miserable, figure out why and change it. You and only you have the power to change your own life, so do it. Don't wait for someone else to do it for you, because they can't and won't. And finally, never forget that you are a truly incredible person and make the world a better place just by being you.

Cheers,
Your Friend.

Décider de and the Music Library

Sorry it's been forever. Again. I must do better with writing. Honestly, it's just because I'm lazy. I'm also really good at making excuses for myself like, "you don't have time to write anything right now" or "you don't have any words of wisdom to impart or anything inspirational to tell anyone so shut up." For example, right now, I'm thinking "I don't have time to write because I have a make-up Chemistry lecture in less than ten minutes and don't have shit to say." But really, writing anything, even if it's shit, should be my goal.

There is a little known alcove on the UNC campus known (to select few) as the Music Library Lounge. My future roommate told me about it and now I see how perfect it is. Large windows, glass walls, a perfect view of endless books and the Bell Tower, and even decorative ivy and assorted plants. Just thought I'd share. Sometimes places make me happy even if they aren't the best places to get work done in, which is what I was supposed to be doing today and which I'm clearly not accomplishing.

Do you ever wonder why old people always ask if you need a light on when you're reading or studying at night, even if you're studying in a perfectly adequately lit room? I don't know the answer to this question, but my theory is that as we get older, our pupils shrink and we don't take in as much light. Or maybe librarians and my grandparents just relish the idea of flicking on a light for someone else.

Since it's now less than 5 minutes until my lecture and it will take me a good 5 to get there, I bid you adieu.

and cheers.

Love

I want to run so far and so fast that the eagles can’t touch me.

I want the world to blur into the thousands of colors and patterns that define life.

I want to surpass the finiteness of it all and become the universe.

I want the world in an iris and the stars as applause.

I want to fly beyond humanity

And believe in love.

New Years Resolution

I now believe it is possible to fall out of love. Maybe all it really takes is some small form of closure. At least it did for me. Over the break I saw face to face the person I'd learned to love and had been so defeated by. But no more. I don't know if friendship is possible at the moment (see "Awkward"), but from that meeting, I received something I hadn't had and something I desperately needed. Closure. I realized in the following days that I am no longer in love. And while that scares me out of my mind, it is also one of the most liberating feelings. I suppose I've always been free to do what I want and feel what I want, but when I was in love with someone who no longer loved me, I felt trapped. And finally, I've freed myself from that trap. Essentially, I've freed myself from myself. Because it wasn't that one individual who was holding me back from my freedom, but myself. You know that cheesy saying that goes something like "Your only limit is yourself?" Well, I was living proof of that. Sometimes I pretended it was that other person's fault, but really, it was all mine. I never want to be someone who blames someone else for something they did to themselves anymore. Never again. I don't even know if what I was feeling was love, or just some form of deep longing for something that didn't exist, all I know now is that that cloud hanging over me, keeping me from experiencing life, is finally gone.

As the Doctor would say, next stop everything.

P.S. The next post will be about Doctor Who.

Merry Christmas

So, because apparently I'm a pagan, I went to see Wolf of Wall Street tonight. And yes, obviously it's not a "family film" with quality life lessons and heartfelt moments that fill your eyes with tears and your body with warm fuzzies, but it was a fucking good movie. Drugs, nudity, language, it contained all the components of what could potentially be just a trashy movie, but it wasn't. There was that element of class because, well, everyone was fucking rich. They may have been rich drug addicts addicted to porn and any form of narcotics, but they earned the right to be addicts. At least that's how the movie made you feel. Sure, maybe they earned their money illegally, but they still had drive, ambition, and love for something. They actually got up off their asses and decided to make something of themselves, unlike all the people (myself included) who were sitting on their asses in the movie theater watching them get ridiculously high, fuck whores, and strap money to people. The things they did for the love of money may have been far less than honorable, but at the end of the day, who among us is honorable, right?

Here's what I'm trying to get at. The movie was captivating and genius not because of the number of swear words they managed to cram into a sentence or the amount of distasteful nude scenes in the film, but the way Scorsese was able to manipulate the audience into somehow rooting for Leonardo DiCaprio, the Wolf of Wall Street. You end up hating the FBI, the guys you should be pulling for as an upstanding American, and hoping that somehow Leo can crawl his way to his car and drive a mile to his house completely incapacitated by twenty year old Lemmons just to stop his partner from giving himself up on the tapped phone. In the end, the Wolf of Wall Street sold me. And I think that was the whole point. The goal of Wall Street is to sell whatever story makes you richer, just like a good movie tries to sell you its story, and Leo is pretty damn good at it. Both his character, Jordan Belfort, the actual criminal, and Leo himself sell their story to the public in true stockbroker fashion, and although I'd like to think myself brighter than all those gullible idiots who trust these genius bastards over the phone lines, maybe I'm not. Jordan Belfort wrote a book upon being released from prison detailing what he did to become a millionaire, but what you'll never get from him either in a book or a movie, is an apology. The man was fucking badass and believed it wasn't criminal to take advantage of someone who was simply too stupid to fall for your lies. And you know what? I think he might be right.