Awkward.

That about sums up our time at Starbucks today. I’m sorry, but there’s no denying it. I mean, you seemed pissed out of your mind the entire time. And I don’t mean like high pissed, I mean angry pissed. It seemed like the last thing you wanted to do was spend time with me. After everything I said, it seemed like you had to contradict me or turn it into an insult. You even turned my idea to be a minimalist into an accusation when you claimed I had too many clothes to be a minimalist and used “Well, I’ve never seen that shirt before” as your evidence. Excuse me for wanting to update my wardrobe. Maybe it was because of all the party drama or maybe (though unlikely) you were as nervous as I was, but you certainly didn’t seem glad to see me. Even apart from all that, it was intensely awkward with all the long pauses and “yeah….so….”s…. You’re probably not reading anything into it like I am, you’re probably just thinking, “Well, guess we can’t be friends cuz that was awkward as fuck,” and you know what? I don’t really blame you.

One good thing that perhaps arose out of the awkwardness or in spite of it was the fact that I can clearly see you’ve changed. You “had a fling” with a junior and you smoke marijuana and cigarettes and clearly think that makes you better than me. In fact, it seemed like everything you said was just to make you appear better than me. I hope I didn’t come across that way too. I was trying to be cheery and keep a positive attitude, but sometimes that’s kind of hard to do when I’m getting insulted and clearly rejected. Overall, the whole encounter just depressed me. I was thinking about leaving some york peppermint patties in your mailbox, but you know, I don’t want to come across as desperate or trying to win you back or something. Believe me, I sure as hell don’t want to date the guy I hung out with today. I guess I’m searching for a way to bring back the old you. The one that blew me away with sincerity and ambition. The one that was vulnerable yet made me feel secure, and most importantly, someone whom I could relate to on a deeper level. I thought we could be friends that way. But I clearly see now you have no intention of opening up to me anymore. And I’ll just have to learn to live without you in my life, just as I’ve done for the past few months. Best wishes. Here’s to hoping for a future when you’re ready to be friends with me.