Brain Love

I am cursed. Cursed with the unfortunate fate of falling in love with anyone I can't have and anyone who doesn't want me. I've even been in serious relationships with these types of guys (well, one, really, which I'm still reeling from even though it's been 2 months since the breakup). My problem is that I am both a left-brained person AND a right-brained person. Example? My current majors are Biology and English... My passion? Creative writing, poetry, short stories, writing, editing. Yet, I'm almost as adept at thinking analytically and scientifically (hence the Biology double major). It is my belief that this right/left brainedness stems from a lifelong obsession with dancing, but to get to the point, this duality of brain function has some extreme disadvantages, the most important one being its effect on my love life.

To elaborate a little: I'm constantly trying to differentiate between the idealistic and the realistic. Although I am a pessimist and thoroughly enjoy being cynical and sarcastic, my idealistic nature continually kicks in and I begin to dream of the unrealistic. I can't help it. Especially when it comes to guys. I can imagine whole fantasies, worlds where I do something daring and outrageous and suddenly every guy I've ever wanted wants me too. Then, my realism kicks in, reminding me, "But those things will never happen. Stop dreaming. It will only hurt you." The problem is, I can't give in to either side. I'm incapable of succumbing to either half and remain dangling in the middle instead, confused, frustrated, hurt, and ultimately alone.

And I thought I found someone who understood that. Who went through the very same thing. Who promised me I would never be alone. Who promised the idealistic life of my dreams. Who convinced me he was "the one." But I was wrong. He was wrong. He proved to me once again how I will never attain what half of my brain practically drives me crazy longing for. Correction: I was wrong in believing we would always be together, however I am still convinced that he is and will always be the only one for me. Call it cheesy, old-fashioned, whatever the fuck you want, but I firmly believe in "the one." I don't know, maybe that's just my romantically inclined brain-half talking, but that doesn't change the fact I'm convinced it's true. There is one perfect match for everyone out there and once you find each other, you just know, and things will always work out. I refuse to believe in a world where true love doesn't exist. Sure life will still shit on you every day and you might even end things for a short while, but in the end, true love will out and bring you back to one another. But they never tell you what happens when your true love decides he doesn't know what love is. Or decides that there is no "one," at least until he meets her. The whole fucking time you convinced yourself that he sincerely believed everything he said to you. Sure, you fought, you wanted to strangle him sometimes, but hey, he was "the one." Things would work out. And they did. Until they didn't.

So what do you do now? Fight for someone who's decided you just aren't worth it anymore? Who's decided that maybe love is the stuff of fantasy and they've never really felt it? Fighting for them means destroying yourself in the process, and that rational part of your brain tells you you can't destroy yourself. You're too selfish to do that. No, you'll choose the other route. The one that makes no fucking sense to anyone, especially to yourself, but the one that is easy because you're a coward. What road is that you ask? The one where you allow your idealistic self to imagine a world where things continued like they were, so blissful, caught up in your love for one another, believing anything was possible, feeling safe, wanted, and most of all loved. But choosing this road means you can never tell "the one." It means you will never get back together. Why? Because you'll never let them go. Your cowardly self will hold on to your soulmate no matter what, even if they break their promise to do the same. And if you never let them go, you dissolve into a world of "I wish..." and "What if..." and "If only...". And once you're in that world, you're trapped. You never escape. You drown in self-induced misery. You're deafened by your own screams. And who can love someone like that? No one with half a brain.